


All That Mattered

by GentlyMorbid



Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Dissociation, F/F, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, human!AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-06-25 20:02:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19752844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GentlyMorbid/pseuds/GentlyMorbid
Summary: Ahsoka comes home to look for Barriss





	1. Searching

Ahsoka was gripped by a mounting feeling of trepidation as she entered her residence. She was met with silence, which wasn’t too unusual, save for the nagging feeling in her head and the anxiety filling her stomach. 

She had not heard from Barriss all day, and, while not hearing from your wife during the day may not cause concern for most people, she knew it was out of character for Barriss Offee to shy away from constant communication with the people she loved. Unless something was wrong. 

Ahsoka was certain that she was not overreacting. She hadn’t started worrying until just then, after messaging Barriss and calling her phone several times during the day with no response. She knew Barriss wouldn’t have gone out without letting her know, so something must have happened to Barriss at home.

Ahsoka’s thoughts switched into anxiety mode, as images of Barriss injured, possibly fatally so, wandered through her head. She tried to calm herself, using the breathing exercises she loved to extol to her spouse, but found herself short of breath.   
She walked, slightly less calmly, to Barriss’ bedroom, but found it vacant. One would be forgiven for thinking no one occupied it as it was empty and pristine, such were Barriss’ habits towards tidiness and cleanliness. 

Ahsoka sighed and continued to her own, separate bedroom. Before she and Barriss had moved in together, they had discussed their boundaries and rules for cohabitating. 

One of Barriss’ boundaries was keeping separate bedrooms, as she became overwhelmed easily and needed frequent physical space and time to herself, even if she was able to socialise via cyberspace and phone messages. Ahsoka and Barriss did sleep in the same room and the same bed every few nights, but spending nights apart was necessary, as they had discovered early on in their relationship.

Ahsoka realised that she was leaning against the bedroom door and that her thoughts had drifted from anxiety to a calmer feeling as she reminisced on their relationship. As she gazed into her own bedroom, she noted the difference, with a wry smile, between the clean spectacle of Barriss’ room and her own, messy haven. The blankets were strewn haphazardly over the bed and one of her pillows was a hair’s breadth away from tipping onto the floor, such was Ahsoka’s “disaster zone” of a bedroom, as Barriss often jokingly named it.

She straightened her posture and continued searching for Barriss through the house, in a less panicked mode. Ahsoka rationalised that Barriss was probably preoccupied and would be hastily apologising for forgetting to stay in contact with Ahsoka as soon as she was roused from whatever she had been focused on. 

Smiling slightly at the thought, Ahsoka passed through the kitchen, her stomach grumbling softly at the thought of food and the memories of Barriss failing in her many attempts at cooking. The kitchen was clean, as they both tried to keep it that way, and the fridge usually kept stocked with at least some of their mutual favourite snacks.

Ahsoka finished sauntering down memory lane and exited the kitchen. She turned in the direction of the bathroom and opened the door, in search of her absent wife.

The sight that greeted her chilled her to the core.


	2. Discovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ahsoka finds Barriss

Barriss was sitting up against the far bathroom wall with her head drooped, a pool of blood gathering around her, marring the usually pristine white floor tiles. Ahsoka was filled with fear, as she slowly advanced towards the still form of her wife, noting with a sharp inhale that the blood was coming from long gashes in Barriss’ arms. 

Ahsoka knelt next to Barriss, not giving a second of thought to the blood staining her clothing. With tears streaming down her face, she spoke frantically, “Barriss! Oh, Barriss, please don’t be dead! I love you! You can’t die!”

With no response forthcoming, Ahsoka rummaged through her pockets for her phone, dialling emergency services as soon as she found it. When her call was answered, she spoke so hurriedly that she was afraid the receiver was unable to understand her, “Please help, my wife tried to kill herself and I don’t know if she’s alive and I’m so scared, please help me!”

Ahsoka gave the person her address and hung up after being told that an ambulance was on its way.

Ahsoka glanced back at Barriss, whose position and state of consciousness hadn’t changed, before grabbing the nearby towels and trying to gently wrap them around Barriss’ arms to stop the blood flow. Some of the blood had dried, but the majority stained the towels such a bright red that Ahsoka knew she’d have to get rid of them afterwards. She didn’t think she’d want to use the towels again, even if they were clean. 

Ahsoka tilted Barriss’ head up, gently placing it against the wall for support before clinging to her softly, afraid to injure her further. She did not know whether Barriss was alive or not, though she could not detect any signs of breathing or heartbeat, but tried not to assume the worst. All she could do was cry and wait for the ambulance to transport them to the hospital and try to save her Barriss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please do bear in mind that this is the *less* angsty version :P 
> 
> Also, the next fic contains the same first two chapters, but then deviates from there, so if you read the first two here, you can skip them in the next fic.


	3. Fear and Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ahsoka worries about Barriss

Ahsoka was beside herself with worry as she rode in the ambulance with Barriss and the paramedics who were doing their best to save her. All she could think about was how limp and lifeless Barriss’ body had looked in the bathroom and when the paramedics had arrived and taken her out on a gurney. They had informed her that Barriss was very nearly close to death but that they would do everything in their power to ensure that she lived long enough to get to the hospital. 

Ahsoka blinked and looked up to find herself, not in the ambulance, but sitting in the hospital waiting area. Confused and panicked, she stood up too fast and nearly fell, holding out an arm to brace herself against the wall and slowly re-seat herself. She gathered herself and then went to the reception area to ask about her wife. The receptionist looked at her sympathetically before informing her that she had already been told that Barriss was in intensive care and wouldn’t be out of surgery for a few hours yet.

Ahsoka walked dejectedly to her seat, sinking into it. As she gazed unfocused at the floor, she began to feel the enormous gravity of the situation weigh on her. Her wife, whom she loved like no other, had attempted suicide and been dangerously close to death. Tears began to fall from her eyes as the thought overwhelmed her and Ahsoka began to sob uncontrollably.

-

It seemed like an eternity had passed for Ahsoka, when one of the surgeons came out to tell her that Barriss was out of surgery and had been placed in a room in the recovery ward. She was asleep, but out of danger. Ahsoka’s eyes shed fresh tears, as she thanked the surgeon profusely, before asking for the room number and heading off to find Barriss when she got her answer.

Once the room was located, Ahsoka approached the door and stood looking at the single occupied bed, upon which Barriss’ sleeping body rested. Ahsoka sighed forlornly. While she felt more peaceful now that she knew and could see that Barriss would recover, she was completely drained from the day’s ordeal. 

Upon approach, she could see that Barriss’ arms were heavily bandaged. Were it not for the fact that Barriss had tried to kill herself, Ahsoka might have thought her wife had chosen to nap in a random hospital bed.

As Ahsoka took up a bedside vigil with the use of a chair, Barriss stirred slightly, opening her eyes briefly. Ahsoka leaned forward with a small smile, reaching forward to stroke her wife’s cheek, “Hey, Barriss. You’re going to be okay. It’s okay.”  
Barriss, still sleepy from the anaesthesia, smiled and whispered, “I love you, ‘soka”, before her eyes closed and she fell back asleep.

Ahsoka sighed softly and thought about how much she loved her wife. She knew that Barriss was safe, for the time being, and that was all that mattered to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please do let me know how you think I went with this fic. It's been a while, so I may be a little rusty. I do appreciate all the feedback I receive!

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, everyone! Been a while since I've written! This idea has been swirling around in my brain for a good couple of months and it demanded to be written down, so here it is. I also wrote an alternate ending to this fic that I will post separately, because I felt this one wasn't dark enough :P
> 
> Feel free to suggest any ideas of your own for fics, as I've only got one or two more ideas left. I'm sure I can think of some more, but ideas would be appreciated!
> 
> Please enjoy! Remember to suffer lots, as well!


End file.
